Fun with Veronica and JD!
by deeplyshallow
Summary: Heathers told in the style of learn to read with Dick and Jane books. If you teach your children to read with this I am not responsible for any lifelong trauma.


**This is a shameless rip off of Wicked a la Peter & Jane (read here, it's fantastic: ****fanfiction s/3881839/1/** **) which is itself based on a POTO fic which was based on Hamlet rewritten in this style by someone in the 50s.**

 **So yeah, this is not an original idea. But it was fun. So whatever.**

* * *

This is Veronica. Veronica is smart. Veronica wants to be pretty. Veronica wants to be popular.

This is Martha. She is Veronica's best friend. She is not pretty. She is not popular. She is fat.

Let's say hello to Martha.

"Hello Martha! What are you doing?"

"Hello kids! I am going to watch The Princess Bride. "

Isn't that nice?

Here are the Heathers. How many Heathers are there? Let's count. One, two, three! There are three Heathers, Red Heather, Green Heather and Yellow Heather. They are all called Heather. Isn't that silly?

The Heathers are pretty. The Heathers are popular. Veronica wants to be like the Heathers.

See Veronica go to the toilet. See the Heathers go to the toilet. See Green Heather puke in the toilet. Puke, Green Heather, puke. She wants to be thin.

This is Miss Fleming. She is a teacher. See her see Red Heather, Green Heather, Yellow Heather and Veronica. She is not happy. She is angry. She thinks they should be in class.

"No no," says Veronica, "here is a note."

But Veronica is naughty, the note is not real.

See Miss Fleming read the note, read Miss Fleming read, "oh ok" says Miss Fleming. She does not know the note is not real. See Miss Fleming leave.

Red Heather is also naughty, "Oh wow you are so clever," says Red Heather, "will you be my friend?"

"Yes, I will be your friend." Says Veronica. She is very happy.

See Veronica. She is pretty now. She is popular now. She is very happy.

"Will you come to my party, Veronica?" Says Red Heather.

"Yes" says Veronica.

"Will you come to my party, Martha?" Says Red Heather.

"Yes," says Martha. She is very happy.

But Red Heather doesn't want Martha to come to the party. She is playing a trick. She is very mean.

"No, no!" Says Veronica, "This is very mean."

"Shut up, Veronica," says Red Heather, "or you will not still be popular."

Veronica is sad. Veronica wants to still be popular. "Ok," she says.

Isn't that mean?

This is JD. He wears black. He is evil. He is sexy. He sees Red Heather be mean to Martha.

"That was mean," says JD.

"Oh wow, you are sexy," says Veronica.

"I drink slushies to make me less sad about my mommy's death." Says JD.

"That is sad and sexy," says Veronica.

See Veronica at Red Heather's party. See Veronica dance. See Veronica drink beer. See Veronica smoke weed. Drink and smoke, Veronica, drink and smoke. She is drunk. She is high. She is happy.

See Martha arrive at the party. See the Heathers laugh at her. Laugh, Heathers, laugh.

"No, no!" Says Veronica. "This is mean."

See Veronica puke on Red Heather's shoes. Puke, Veronica, puke.

Red Heather is not happy. Red Heather is very angry.

"I hate you," says Red Heather, "you cannot be pretty. You cannot be popular. You cannot be my friend."

"Oh no," says Veronica, "I have no friends. I will visit JD."

See JD in his bedroom. He is asleep. See Veronica break in. Break in, Veronica, break in.

See Veronica wake JD.

"I want to kiss you." says Veronica

"Ok," says JD.

See Veronica kiss JD. Kiss, Veronica, kiss. See Veronica climb on top of JD. See Veronica pull down JD's underpants. Pull, Veronica, pull. They are having lots of fun. They are very happy.

See Veronica is asleep in JD's bed. She is having a bad dream. See Veronica wake up. See her scream. Scream, Veronica, scream.

"Why are you sad?" says JD

"Heather was in my dream," says Veronica, "she said she would tell everyone I kissed you. I want her to be my friend again."

See Red Heather. She is in her bed. Her head hurts. She has had too much to drink. Isn't she silly?

"Veronica give me orange juice or you won't be my friend," says Red Heather

"That is mean," says Veronica, "let's spit in her orange juice."

"No no," says JD, "let's give her drain cleaner instead."

Veronica thinks JD is telling a joke. "Haha, you are funny, JD," says Veronica.

See Veronica pour orange juice into a cup. The orange juice is orange. See Veronica spit in the orange juice. Spit, Veronica, spit.

See JD pour drain cleaner into a cup. The drain cleaner is blue. JD is very naughty.

"I want my orange juice," says Red Heather. Isn't she mean?

But Veronica does not pick up the cup with orange juice. Veronica picks up the cup with drain cleaner.

Isn't she silly?

See Red Heather drink the drain cleaner. Drink, Red Heather, drink. See her clutch her throat. See her choke. See the drain cleaner burn Red Heather's throat. Burn, drain cleaner, burn. See her fall on the floor. She is dead.

"Oh no!" Says Veronica, "I killed my friend." She is very sad.

"I know," says JD, "let's write a note saying she killed herself." He is very naughty.

See Veronica write the note. She says Red Heather was very sad. She says Red Heather wanted to be nice. She is a liar.

Here are some policemen. They have blue hats. See the policemen find Red Heather's body. See them read the note. Read, policemen, read.

"Oh no!" say the policemen, "Red Heather was very sad. Red Heather wanted to be nice. This is very sad."

See Miss Fleming read the note. Read, Miss Fleming, read.

"Oh no!" says Miss Fleming, "Red Heather was very sad. Red Heather wanted to be nice. We should talk about our feelings."

See the students read the note. Read, students, read.

"Oh no!" say the students, "Red Heather was very sad. Red Heather wanted to be nice. We should have been nicer to Red Heather. We should get the day off school."

This is Kurt and this is Ram. They play football. They are big and strong. They are not nice. They are bullies. See them punch a nerd. Punch, Kurt and Ram, punch. See the nerd get a broken nose.

"Hi Veronica, we want you to play with our balls." Say Kurt and Ram

"Oh no," says Veronica, "I do not want to play with your balls."

"You must play with our balls," say Kurt and Ram, "it will be very fun."

But Veronica does not want to play with Kurt and Ram's balls. She runs away.

But Kurt and Ram are very mean. They tell Green Heather that Veronica played with their balls.

See Veronica the next day. She is at school. See Veronica see Green Heather.

"Haha," says Green Heather, "you played with Kurt and Ram's balls."

"No I did not," says Veronica, "they are liars."

"No no," says Green Heather, "I think you are a liar."

"Boohoo," says Veronica "they are very mean."

"Let's play a trick on them," says JD, "we will shoot then with fake bullets and say they are gay."

"Oh wow," says Veronica, "this sounds like a funny game."

But JD is a liar. The bullets are not fake. The bullets are real. JD is evil.

See JD and Veronica go to the woods. See Kurt and Ram go to the woods too. They think Veronica wants to play with their balls. They are very happy.

See JD shoot the gun, shoot JD shoot. See the bullet hit Ram. See Kurt scream. Scream, Kurt, scream. See Kurt run away. See JD chase him. Chase, JD, chase.

See Ram fall down. See blood squirt out of his chest. Squirt blood, squirt. He is dead.

See Veronica look at Ram. She can see the blood too. She knows he is dead.

"Oh no," says Veronica, "I do not like this game."

See JD corner Kurt.

"Oh no!" says Kurt, "I cannot escape."

See JD pull the trigger. Pull, JD, pull.

"Bang" goes the gun. See Kurt fall down too. See blood squirt out of his chest too. He is dead.

"Haha," says JD, he thinks this is funny. He is very happy. Isn't he silly?

But Veronica is not silly. Veronica does not think this is funny. Veronica is not very happy. Veronica is scared.

This is Kurt's daddy. This is Ram's daddy. They are at Kurt and Ram's funeral. They are very sad.

"I am very sad that Kurt was gay" says Kurt's daddy. "Being gay is wrong."

Isn't he silly?

"No, no," says Ram's daddy, "being gay is not wrong. I love you."

"Oh ok," says Kurt's daddy, "I love you too."

See Kurt and Ram's daddies make out. Make out, Kurt and Ram's daddies, make out. See them stick their tongues in each other's mouths. They are very happy.

"Yay," says JD, "we have made everyone happy. Let's kill more people!"

"No, no," says Veronica, "let's stop killing people. Let's make brownies instead."

"Ok," says JD. See him kiss Veronica. Kiss, JD and Veronica, kiss. They are making out too.

See Miss Fleming. She is with a TV crew. The TV crew are making a show about the dead students. She is very happy.

"The students killed themselves because they were very sad." Says Miss Fleming.

"No no," says Veronica, "I killed them."

But no one believes Veronica. They think she is a liar.

"Haha, what a funny joke," says Green Heather.

This is Yellow Heather. She is in the bathroom. She is very sad. Why are you sad Yellow Heather?

"I am sad because all my friends are dead."

See Yellow Heather open a pill bottle. See her pour the pills into her mouth. Pour, Yellow Heather, pour. She wants to overdose and die.

See Veronica run into the bathroom. "Stop, Yellow Heather. You need to spit out the pills. You are my friend."

See Yellow Heather spit out the pills. She is very happy now. Veronica is her friend.

"Haha," says JD, "Yellow Heather nearly died."

"No, no! That is mean!" says Veronica, "I do not want to play with you."

This is Martha. She is very worried. She wants to talk to Veronica.

"Why are you worried, Martha?"

"I do not think Kurt and Ram were gay." Says Martha, "I think Ram loved me. I think JD killed Ram." She is right. Isn't she clever?

Veronica is scared. Veronica thinks that Martha might tell on JD. If Martha tells on JD, JD might tell on her. Veronica might go to jail. Veronica does not want to go to jail.

"No no, Martha," says Veronica, "Ram did not love you. No one loves you." See Veronica laugh. Laugh, Veronica, laugh. Isn't she mean?

Martha is very sad. "Boohoo," says Martha, "no one loves me." See her cry. Cry Martha, cry. See her jump off a bridge. See her fall. It is very far. See her hit the pavement. See her break all her bones.

"Haha," says Green Heather, "Martha jumped off a bridge!"

Isn't she mean?

"Boohoo," says Veronica, "I am a very bad friend."

Here are Veronica's mommy and daddy. They are very worried. "Why are you worried Veronica's mommy and daddy?"

"We are worried because JD says Veronica wanted to die."

"No, no." Says Veronica, "JD is a liar." She is very scared.

See Veronica hiding in the closet. She is hiding from JD. See JD break into her bedroom.

Break in, JD, break in.

"Because you do not want to play with me, I will blow up the school," says JD.

"Oh no!" Says Veronica, "I must save the school."

See Veronica. She is holding a croquet mallet. She is running.

"Hello Veronica! Where are you going?"

"Hello kids! I am going to the boiler room to stop JD."

See JD in the boiler room. He has a bomb. He wants to kill everyone.

"No, no," says Veronica, "you cannot kill everyone."

JD is very angry. See JD get out a gun. See him point a gun at Veronica.

See Veronica hit JD with the croquet mallet. Hit, Veronica, hit. See JD drop the gun.

See JD and Veronica fight over the gun. Fight JD and Veronica, fight.

"Bang," goes the gun. See the blood pool at JD's chest. Pool, blood, pool. See JD fall on the ground.

"Boohoo," says Veronica, "JD is dead." See Veronica try to stop the bomb. She cannot stop the bomb.

"Oh no." says Veronica, "I cannot stop the bomb." See Veronica take the bomb. See Veronica walk on the field. She wants to die.

Isn't that sad?

But Veronica is silly. JD is not dead.

See JD walk on the field. See JD see Veronica with the bomb.

"Oh no," says JD, "you cannot die." See JD take the bomb from Veronica. See the bomb count down to zero. The countdown is on 10. Can you count down with the bomb? 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0!

"Bang," goes the bomb.

See JD explode. Explode, JD, explode. See his burning flesh cover the field. He is dead. Veronica is very sad.

See Veronica go back to school.

"Haha," says Green Heather, "you are covered in burning flesh."

"You are very mean Green Heather." Says Veronica, "I do not want to be your friend."

See Martha roll into the school. She is not dead. She is in a wheelchair.

"I am sorry I was mean Martha," says Veronica, "let's watch The Princess Bride."

"Yes," says Martha. She is very happy. Veronica is very happy. Everyone is very happy.

Wouldn't you like to play like that?


End file.
